Not long ago, my wife and I had a minor, ongoing conflict about buying a new car. The cars we possessed were both 2005 models and had both been gifts in one way or another from family. This suited me fine. There is a remarkable freedom in caring very little about your car (other than it’s continued functioning). A few months ago, I was leaving a restaurant with my kids, and two guys were standing near my 2005 Chevy Trailblazer. They informed me that a woman had just backed into it and that, when they looked at her, she made eye contact, shrugged her shoulders, and drove away. (I’ve laughed so hard imagining this.) They responded by taking a picture of her license plate and offered to send it to me, but I told them not to worry about it. It scuffed the back bumper and broke a reflector, but that was all. Thus, I just shrugged it off (much like she did), and went on about my life. There is great freedom in not caring much for the aesthetics of something you own!
However, my wife had a different perspective. She wasn’t overwhelmingly concerned about the aesthetics of our vehicles, but she was frustrated by the lack of functionality. Our kids were 9 and 7 at the time and were increasingly involved in sports. She really wanted a car with a third row, so we could carpool with friends, take other kids to sports events, tote the grandparents to games, etc. And she didn’t want a new car; just a new-to-us one. Perhaps, something around 4 or 5 years old with low mileage that could last us a while.
For the better part of a year, we had a recurring argument about getting a new car. She wanted something new. I didn’t want to take on additional financial commitments. “We just finished paying off the HVAC,” she’d say. “I know. That means we can start saving that money," I’d respond. Round and round we’d go. We’d pause and let it lie fallow for a few months. Then something would remind her, and we get on the merry-go-round again.
This is part of marriage of course, and our “arguments” were never bitter or angry. Nevertheless, whenever a disagreement is allowed to continue for an extended period of time, a measure of resentment always builds up. “Why can’t he see things from my perspective?” “Why can’t she understand that we really don’t have the money to do this?” Over time, it began to seem more and more to each of us that we (personally) really wanted the good thing, and the other person was just too closed-minded, stubborn, or ignorant to understand.
Then one day, as we once again wasted away our day off in low-grade annoyance and conflict, something dawned on me. We both wanted a good thing! I had been arguing and growing increasingly frustrated as though I wanted a good thing (to save money) and she wanted a bad thing (to spend money). Likewise, she had done the same.
The truth though, which is now so obvious it blows my mind how long it took for me to realize it, is that we both wanted something good! I wanted to not take on a new financial commitment so we could put more money away for our kids’ college. We had planted a church 7 years before, and church planting is not a lucrative business. It was 5 years before I had anything resembling a full salary, so we were playing catch up in the savings department. So my goal in that stage of life was to save for retirement and our kids’ future. That is a really good thing.
On the other hand, she wanted a car that would help us live life in community better. She wanted to be able to do family outings with the dogs, keep the grandparents (who’d recently located to the city we lived in) active, and allow our kids to have shared experiences with their friends. She wanted a car that would make our family’s life better now, and that is clearly a really good thing as well!
Once this dawned on me and I was able to articulate it to her, our conversations changed dramatically. We still did not agree immediately. It took us many conversations and much deliberation to decide. (We ended up getting a car that we love, but she allowed me to do an absurd amount of research and take my time to make sure we got the best possible deal.) But our discussions became much more charitable. We no longer treated each other like enemies or obstructions. Instead we began treating each other as partners making a decision together based on a collection of good desires.
The more I reflect on the current state of politics in our country, the more I feel like this story has something valuable to teach us. Increasingly, Conservatives and Liberals view one another with, at best, skepticism and mistrust and, at worst, complete disdain. We’ve come to act as though what “we” want is an objective moral good and what “they” want is objectively immoral. But, if you begin thinking deeper about the issues at hand, this is clearly not the case.
In the economic realm, Conservatives desire balanced budgets. They want to make sure that expenses don’t outpace income, preventing the county from spiraling into debt. They want to approach the governing of the nation with financial caution, and that is a good thing. In most healthy marriages I’ve encountered, one partner is usually more frugal and prudent with finances. This partner is indispensable in ensuring the passions of the other partner don’t lead their family into tenuous fiscal territory.
Likewise, Liberals have an intense desire to make sure all members of society are cared for. Modern Liberals tend to champion things like universal healthcare, higher minimum wages, and a strong social safety net for the most vulnerable citizens. These are also very good things! Systems and circumstances (and history) do not favor everyone equally, and it is important for every society to acknowledge those historical inequalities and protect its most vulnerable citizens. This is the voice Liberals bring to our nation’s conversation, and it is a voice that is needed. If the frugal, cautious member of the marriage made every decision, they would not live a very vibrant existence.
I’ve chosen to focus primarily on fiscal issues, but the same concept applies along a vast array of issues. Conservatives (at least theoretically) believe in hard work, in contributing to society, and in rewards being consummate with effort. These are good ideals. If output became completely divorced from input, our culture would unravel. Many sociologists are already raising concerns about changes in the workforce, in which younger workers are resistant to the effort and sacrifice required for productivity and accomplishment. As a millennial myself, I grow weary of hearing older generations lament the fragility of mine, particularly since they raised us! However, as a pastor I can attest to the growing body of sociological and psychological research. Many young people have been so sheltered from struggle and merit-based rewards systems, they have a hard time sticking with anything long enough to make a difference. Hardwork and discipline are incredibly important, both at the individual and societal level, and Conservatives (at their best) seek to hold us accountable to those ideals.
However, as we’ve already hinted, history has not rewarded everyone’s hard work equally! Imagine playing a game of monopoly with family or friends, but you had to sit out the first ten rounds watching while your competitors were amassing wealth and properties. Or, worse yet, imagine you played the first ten rounds but everything you did benefitted someone else. Every time you passed go, someone else collected your 200 dollars. Everytime you bought a property, someone else got it and made profits from the rent. During the first ten rounds you were not allowed to keep any money or property. Then, at the end of ten rounds, you were “freed” to play normally by the same rules as other players. No rational person would expect that player to win the game (or even get close). Bill Gates, Warren Buffett, and Jeff Bezos would all lose that game! Well, this is essentially the reality many Americans, particularly African Americans, have lived.
Liberals want to acknowledge this reality and offer correctives. They believe the best way to correct for historical and systemic injustices is not to simply tell people who’ve been dealt a virtually impossible hand to work harder. Instead they want to provide historically marginalized people enough of a foundation to begin building their way to a better future. This is a good thing too, and the truth is, both are necessary.
In my humble opinion, as a pastor of a church that meets in a very diverse public high school and has helped coach football at that high school, creating a society in which everyone thrives, especially historically marginalized communities, is going to require both work ethic and compassionate social services. A kid born into a low-income community (and likely a family with a limited educational background) is going to need to work really hard to transcend that cycle. But he or she is also going to need the requisite housing, nutrition, and stability, along with a good public education system to do it as well. One or the other won’t get the job done!
In marriage, both voices are needed. The voice of caution keeps the passionate member of the partnership from writing checks (literally and figuratively) they can’t afford to cash. And the voice of passion keeps the cautious member from becoming a callous mathemetician. Both sides want good things, so the key to decision-making isn’t arguing to “win.” Rather, the key is to come together, discuss both sides of the issue, combine your perspectives, and then make the decision that is best for everyone, which is almost always some kind of compromise!
This is, of course, a simplistic metaphor, but sometimes the simplest illustrations contain the most profound truths. Our culture is a marriage, a family, of people from all points along the political spectrum, and all those voices are needed for us to make decisions and move the family forward. Of course there are issues we flat out disagree on, but if we could shift our perspective to realize that both sides want good things, perhaps we could begin a more productive conversation, a conversation characterized by charity and partnership, rather than judgement and animosity.
In addition, if we really attempted this shift in perspective, perhaps we would remember that marriage is never about getting what you want all the time. If you did (or even tried), it would alienate the other party to such an extent they would start resenting you and eventually leave you (if not physically, emotionally). It’s never been about winning; it has always been about compromise. It is about finding both-ands or middle-ground solutions that give everyone at least part of what they wanted.
********
However, my wife had a different perspective. She wasn’t overwhelmingly concerned about the aesthetics of our vehicles, but she was frustrated by the lack of functionality. Our kids were 9 and 7 at the time and were increasingly involved in sports. She really wanted a car with a third row, so we could carpool with friends, take other kids to sports events, tote the grandparents to games, etc. And she didn’t want a new car; just a new-to-us one. Perhaps, something around 4 or 5 years old with low mileage that could last us a while.
For the better part of a year, we had a recurring argument about getting a new car. She wanted something new. I didn’t want to take on additional financial commitments. “We just finished paying off the HVAC,” she’d say. “I know. That means we can start saving that money," I’d respond. Round and round we’d go. We’d pause and let it lie fallow for a few months. Then something would remind her, and we get on the merry-go-round again.
This is part of marriage of course, and our “arguments” were never bitter or angry. Nevertheless, whenever a disagreement is allowed to continue for an extended period of time, a measure of resentment always builds up. “Why can’t he see things from my perspective?” “Why can’t she understand that we really don’t have the money to do this?” Over time, it began to seem more and more to each of us that we (personally) really wanted the good thing, and the other person was just too closed-minded, stubborn, or ignorant to understand.
Then one day, as we once again wasted away our day off in low-grade annoyance and conflict, something dawned on me. We both wanted a good thing! I had been arguing and growing increasingly frustrated as though I wanted a good thing (to save money) and she wanted a bad thing (to spend money). Likewise, she had done the same.
The truth though, which is now so obvious it blows my mind how long it took for me to realize it, is that we both wanted something good! I wanted to not take on a new financial commitment so we could put more money away for our kids’ college. We had planted a church 7 years before, and church planting is not a lucrative business. It was 5 years before I had anything resembling a full salary, so we were playing catch up in the savings department. So my goal in that stage of life was to save for retirement and our kids’ future. That is a really good thing.
On the other hand, she wanted a car that would help us live life in community better. She wanted to be able to do family outings with the dogs, keep the grandparents (who’d recently located to the city we lived in) active, and allow our kids to have shared experiences with their friends. She wanted a car that would make our family’s life better now, and that is clearly a really good thing as well!
Once this dawned on me and I was able to articulate it to her, our conversations changed dramatically. We still did not agree immediately. It took us many conversations and much deliberation to decide. (We ended up getting a car that we love, but she allowed me to do an absurd amount of research and take my time to make sure we got the best possible deal.) But our discussions became much more charitable. We no longer treated each other like enemies or obstructions. Instead we began treating each other as partners making a decision together based on a collection of good desires.
The more I reflect on the current state of politics in our country, the more I feel like this story has something valuable to teach us. Increasingly, Conservatives and Liberals view one another with, at best, skepticism and mistrust and, at worst, complete disdain. We’ve come to act as though what “we” want is an objective moral good and what “they” want is objectively immoral. But, if you begin thinking deeper about the issues at hand, this is clearly not the case.
In the economic realm, Conservatives desire balanced budgets. They want to make sure that expenses don’t outpace income, preventing the county from spiraling into debt. They want to approach the governing of the nation with financial caution, and that is a good thing. In most healthy marriages I’ve encountered, one partner is usually more frugal and prudent with finances. This partner is indispensable in ensuring the passions of the other partner don’t lead their family into tenuous fiscal territory.
Likewise, Liberals have an intense desire to make sure all members of society are cared for. Modern Liberals tend to champion things like universal healthcare, higher minimum wages, and a strong social safety net for the most vulnerable citizens. These are also very good things! Systems and circumstances (and history) do not favor everyone equally, and it is important for every society to acknowledge those historical inequalities and protect its most vulnerable citizens. This is the voice Liberals bring to our nation’s conversation, and it is a voice that is needed. If the frugal, cautious member of the marriage made every decision, they would not live a very vibrant existence.
I’ve chosen to focus primarily on fiscal issues, but the same concept applies along a vast array of issues. Conservatives (at least theoretically) believe in hard work, in contributing to society, and in rewards being consummate with effort. These are good ideals. If output became completely divorced from input, our culture would unravel. Many sociologists are already raising concerns about changes in the workforce, in which younger workers are resistant to the effort and sacrifice required for productivity and accomplishment. As a millennial myself, I grow weary of hearing older generations lament the fragility of mine, particularly since they raised us! However, as a pastor I can attest to the growing body of sociological and psychological research. Many young people have been so sheltered from struggle and merit-based rewards systems, they have a hard time sticking with anything long enough to make a difference. Hardwork and discipline are incredibly important, both at the individual and societal level, and Conservatives (at their best) seek to hold us accountable to those ideals.
However, as we’ve already hinted, history has not rewarded everyone’s hard work equally! Imagine playing a game of monopoly with family or friends, but you had to sit out the first ten rounds watching while your competitors were amassing wealth and properties. Or, worse yet, imagine you played the first ten rounds but everything you did benefitted someone else. Every time you passed go, someone else collected your 200 dollars. Everytime you bought a property, someone else got it and made profits from the rent. During the first ten rounds you were not allowed to keep any money or property. Then, at the end of ten rounds, you were “freed” to play normally by the same rules as other players. No rational person would expect that player to win the game (or even get close). Bill Gates, Warren Buffett, and Jeff Bezos would all lose that game! Well, this is essentially the reality many Americans, particularly African Americans, have lived.
Liberals want to acknowledge this reality and offer correctives. They believe the best way to correct for historical and systemic injustices is not to simply tell people who’ve been dealt a virtually impossible hand to work harder. Instead they want to provide historically marginalized people enough of a foundation to begin building their way to a better future. This is a good thing too, and the truth is, both are necessary.
In my humble opinion, as a pastor of a church that meets in a very diverse public high school and has helped coach football at that high school, creating a society in which everyone thrives, especially historically marginalized communities, is going to require both work ethic and compassionate social services. A kid born into a low-income community (and likely a family with a limited educational background) is going to need to work really hard to transcend that cycle. But he or she is also going to need the requisite housing, nutrition, and stability, along with a good public education system to do it as well. One or the other won’t get the job done!
In marriage, both voices are needed. The voice of caution keeps the passionate member of the partnership from writing checks (literally and figuratively) they can’t afford to cash. And the voice of passion keeps the cautious member from becoming a callous mathemetician. Both sides want good things, so the key to decision-making isn’t arguing to “win.” Rather, the key is to come together, discuss both sides of the issue, combine your perspectives, and then make the decision that is best for everyone, which is almost always some kind of compromise!
This is, of course, a simplistic metaphor, but sometimes the simplest illustrations contain the most profound truths. Our culture is a marriage, a family, of people from all points along the political spectrum, and all those voices are needed for us to make decisions and move the family forward. Of course there are issues we flat out disagree on, but if we could shift our perspective to realize that both sides want good things, perhaps we could begin a more productive conversation, a conversation characterized by charity and partnership, rather than judgement and animosity.
In addition, if we really attempted this shift in perspective, perhaps we would remember that marriage is never about getting what you want all the time. If you did (or even tried), it would alienate the other party to such an extent they would start resenting you and eventually leave you (if not physically, emotionally). It’s never been about winning; it has always been about compromise. It is about finding both-ands or middle-ground solutions that give everyone at least part of what they wanted.
********
Before we leave the domestic realm of metaphors, let me add this. Marriage is always challenging. We fail our young people when we allow romantic comedies to set their expectations for how marriage works. Of course, there is love and attraction in marriage. Without those there would not have been a relationship to build upon in the first place. However, marriage is much more than that. At its core, marriage takes two people who have lived their lives independently and makes them consider each other every second of their lives. This has the power to transform us in a way nothing else can. The Christian life is all about placing others’ needs above your own. Marriage is a microcosm of that commitment (and a crucible). Thus, it is always a journey, with good days and bad days, good seasons and less good seasons.
When my wife and I have had difficult seasons, when we find ourselves less happy and in conflict more often, it is almost always in a season in which we both subtly and insidiously begin embracing narratives of victimhood. To use everyday language, we begin seeing ourselves as getting the short end of the stick in the marriage.
The truth is, everyday life is hard! Parenting is the most wonderful thing I’ve ever done. I love my children more than I ever knew I could love something. But parenting is also the hardest thing I’ve ever done! It’s exhausting, there is no manual, and the little humans you are trying to turn into halfway decent people resist your authority at almost every turn. Likewise, work is hard. Many people work jobs they struggle mightily to find meaning in, but even those who do find meaningful jobs, seldom find utopian satisfaction in them. Every job has its stresses and frustrations. And marriage, as has been mentioned, is hard. Taking two people who want, deep in the core of their beings, to be the center of the Universe, and telling them to consider another every second of every day is a challenge.
When you combine all three, it is easy to find yourself tired and disillusioned. And when you find yourself tired and disillusioned, you often look for someone to blame. You spin a narrative in which you are the victim and the other is the oppressor, and few things imbue someone with a greater sense of righteous indignation than victimhood.
The beauty of marriage is that it is meant to provide a source of strength and solidarity in times of weakness. When my wife and I are feeling beaten up by the world and the mundane indignities of life, we should lean into one another, care for one another, and remind each other we are not alone. Unfortunately, we often don’t do this. Instead we convince ourselves that we are the only one suffering, that “they” have it so much easier. And as soon as this happens, we build walls, nurse resentments, and further alienate the one person who could (if we would let them) alleviate the suffering. Typically, when we find ourselves in this place, it takes a strong dose of humility and perspective (which typically means practicing gratitude) to find our way out.
It seems to me that both sides of the political aisle have embraced their own narratives of victimhood and marginalization. They’ve both convinced themselves that they’re getting the short end of the stick and the other has it better, and as a result, they’ve become deaf to each other perspectives and lost in a spiral of resentment. This is a great way to “motivate your base” and to create job security for politicians. It is a terrible way to run a society and an even worse way to fix something that is broken! And the only paths out are humility and perspective.
With respect to humility, I think it is important that we recognize that the whole enterprise of politics is asking one the most fascinating and complicated questions in human history: How do we govern ourselves? None of us knows the full answer to that question, and anyone that pretends to is lying! We’ve been trying to figure this out for thousands of years. It’s been 2500 years since the Greeks began testing democracy, and we’re still stumbling through trying to figure out how to do it right. This isn’t supposed to be easy. It is by nature, incredibly difficult. I suspect we’ll be able to figure it out better together than alone.
With respect to perspective, anyone living in this country (the United States) should pause, take a deep breath, and take a moment to be grateful. To be sure, our nation has had some dark chapters, and the echoes of those dark chapters still exist. And without a doubt there are people in this country that are not afforded equal opportunities, and we need to address that. BUT, at the bare minimum, we should all be grateful that we are able to have this conversation. There are places in the world where people are arrested and killed for questioning their authorities. There are places where airing grievances and trying to hold your government accountable can cost you your life. For all the faults of our founding fathers, they made a place where discussion, disagreement, and even dissent are allowed.
We live in a place where we can have a conversation. We should do much better with it!
When my wife and I have had difficult seasons, when we find ourselves less happy and in conflict more often, it is almost always in a season in which we both subtly and insidiously begin embracing narratives of victimhood. To use everyday language, we begin seeing ourselves as getting the short end of the stick in the marriage.
The truth is, everyday life is hard! Parenting is the most wonderful thing I’ve ever done. I love my children more than I ever knew I could love something. But parenting is also the hardest thing I’ve ever done! It’s exhausting, there is no manual, and the little humans you are trying to turn into halfway decent people resist your authority at almost every turn. Likewise, work is hard. Many people work jobs they struggle mightily to find meaning in, but even those who do find meaningful jobs, seldom find utopian satisfaction in them. Every job has its stresses and frustrations. And marriage, as has been mentioned, is hard. Taking two people who want, deep in the core of their beings, to be the center of the Universe, and telling them to consider another every second of every day is a challenge.
When you combine all three, it is easy to find yourself tired and disillusioned. And when you find yourself tired and disillusioned, you often look for someone to blame. You spin a narrative in which you are the victim and the other is the oppressor, and few things imbue someone with a greater sense of righteous indignation than victimhood.
The beauty of marriage is that it is meant to provide a source of strength and solidarity in times of weakness. When my wife and I are feeling beaten up by the world and the mundane indignities of life, we should lean into one another, care for one another, and remind each other we are not alone. Unfortunately, we often don’t do this. Instead we convince ourselves that we are the only one suffering, that “they” have it so much easier. And as soon as this happens, we build walls, nurse resentments, and further alienate the one person who could (if we would let them) alleviate the suffering. Typically, when we find ourselves in this place, it takes a strong dose of humility and perspective (which typically means practicing gratitude) to find our way out.
It seems to me that both sides of the political aisle have embraced their own narratives of victimhood and marginalization. They’ve both convinced themselves that they’re getting the short end of the stick and the other has it better, and as a result, they’ve become deaf to each other perspectives and lost in a spiral of resentment. This is a great way to “motivate your base” and to create job security for politicians. It is a terrible way to run a society and an even worse way to fix something that is broken! And the only paths out are humility and perspective.
With respect to humility, I think it is important that we recognize that the whole enterprise of politics is asking one the most fascinating and complicated questions in human history: How do we govern ourselves? None of us knows the full answer to that question, and anyone that pretends to is lying! We’ve been trying to figure this out for thousands of years. It’s been 2500 years since the Greeks began testing democracy, and we’re still stumbling through trying to figure out how to do it right. This isn’t supposed to be easy. It is by nature, incredibly difficult. I suspect we’ll be able to figure it out better together than alone.
With respect to perspective, anyone living in this country (the United States) should pause, take a deep breath, and take a moment to be grateful. To be sure, our nation has had some dark chapters, and the echoes of those dark chapters still exist. And without a doubt there are people in this country that are not afforded equal opportunities, and we need to address that. BUT, at the bare minimum, we should all be grateful that we are able to have this conversation. There are places in the world where people are arrested and killed for questioning their authorities. There are places where airing grievances and trying to hold your government accountable can cost you your life. For all the faults of our founding fathers, they made a place where discussion, disagreement, and even dissent are allowed.
We live in a place where we can have a conversation. We should do much better with it!
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